Uchiha Adventures
by AiKohaku
Summary: What happens when Uchiha Fugaku decides to take his family for a little bonding time? Utter chaos and the TRUTH about what REALLY happened. CRACKFIC
1. Uchihas go Bowling

Uber Smexy Disclaimer: We / She / It / They / He / I do not own stuff. It would be fun if we did, though.

Lee: I finally did it… MY FIRST STORY! I'M SO GOOD! –Runs around in circles-

Amaya: -watches- Didn't we come up with this since you can't bowl for your life? -blink-

Lee: …Shut up. –ducktapes Amaya-

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"The art of bowling is a man's sport."

The Uchiha-papa, Heisuke, walked proudly through the nearby bowling alley doors.

"'Tousan, if it's a man's sport, why's 'Kaasan playing?" The youngest Uchiha asked innocently, his larger-than-his-own-good eyes peering up at his father.

"Uh… Because… She is a manly woman." The Uchiha-papa nodded in agreement with his own so-stupid-you're-not-fooling-anyone statement. The merry family of four went over to the counter to pay, receiving lane six. Meanwhile, a few lanes over…

"How troublesome." Four-year-old Nara Shikamaru sighed, lazing about on the chairs. His bestest friend in the entire world, Chouji, was at his side, stuffing his seemingly boundless mouth. Shikamaru was watching the Uchiha family prepare to bowl, but Chouji nodded despite having not paid attention, cheeks bulging like a chipmunk due to his own chubbiness and the growing number of potato chips the boy could retain in his mouth while chewing. Ino skipped back to join the other two boys after just having pushed the ball down the isle- literally.

"What cha' guys lookin' at?" Pig-chan peered over at Sasuke, currently trying to pick up the 6-pound ball. "That kid's pathetic!"

"Sasuke, let me help you with that, honey." The Uchiha mother knelt over, and picked up the ball, putting it with all the other balls of the family's. "Heisuke, why isn't the computer set?"

"Because I can't figure out how!" Was the fatherly response.

"Otousan, I can do it." The eldest Uchiha brother droned out from the other side of the computer screen.

"Nonsense, Itachi, if I can't do it, you can't do it."

"No, Otousan, I can do it. Really."

"No you can't, Itachi. It's beyond your knowledge."

"Otousan, look just-"

"What are you doing!"

"Entering our names."

"Not like that! I'm Super Uchiha." This earned Uchiha-papa an odd look from his son.

"Super… Uchiha…?"

"Yes. Super Uchiha. Your mother is Wonder Uchiha. You're Weasel-boy. And Sasuke is Plankton." This earned yet another odd look from weasel-lad, but the names were in. First up, Super Uchiha.

"Go get'im, 'Tousan!" Sasuke piped up from his table-height size.

"I'll show you how **_real_** men bowl." The Uchiha dad picked up his ball, walking to lane with a little speed, bringing back his hand, bringing the ball forward, down the lane and… gutter ball.

"Uh… Er… my hand slipped."

The two intelligent Uchiha family members exchanged glances as Heisuke picked up his ball again. He sent the ball down the lane again, and… One pin tumbled aside.

"Ah, I'm just a little rusty. Your turn, Weasel-lad..."

"Sure, Otousan…" Itachi stood, picking up his ball and sending it speeding down the lane with ease, in a perfect, straight line… and… three pins remained standing. Super Uchiha was left speechless, his mouth wide open. Weasel-boy sent another ball hurling down the lane, knocking down two of the three. Upon returning to his seat, his father continued gaping. Weasel sighed, the screen indicating the next one up. Super Uchiha finally managed to utter something, a mere, "Plankton… your turn…"

"'Kay!" Sasuke hurried to the cluster of balls, picking out his own, and struggling to pick it up like he'd seen his brother and father do. He struggled for a good three minutes before Itachi stood and picked it up for Sasuke, walking it and his brother up to the boundary line. (A/N: I Don't Know ANY Terms of Bowling. Please Shoot Me.)

"Try rolling it like this." Itachi leaned over, setting the ball down for Sasuke, and leaning over to do a grandma-style rolling motion with his hands from between his wide-spread legs. "Like that." He continued the motion for a half a minute, arse waving high in the air. Meanwhile, somewhere nearby, two authoresses got nosebleeds and ran away.

"I t'ink I got it, Niisan." Sasuke said, clinging to the ball with his arms and all. Itachi gave a curt nod and walked back to the chair and table to watch the following embarrassing scene. Sasuke positioned himself, spreading his legs wide, reaching down between his legs and mentally preparing for what was about to happen. Also, in the bowling alley bathroom, an authoress felt like writing yaoi.

Sasuke gripped the ball in his small, grubby hands, and leaned over (accompanied by one of the two authoresses getting an even _bigger_ nosebleed) just like his Niisan showed him. He gave the ball a good, hard-as-Sasuke-could-ever-push shove, even taking a staggering step forward for a little momentum, not like Sasuke knew what that word meant. In fact, he put so much unknown-word-called-momentum into his step he had fallen over and, because his dear Niisan never said whether to release the ball or not, rolled down the isle with the ball, knocking down a hefty load of pins.

The entire family made the following face: OO

But of course, the family didn't bother going after the kid. After all, if Sasuke got head trauma and died, they'd always have perfect little Itachi, right? Right.

But sadly, Sasuke came out of the ball dispenser thing and the Uchiha parents' dream bubble popped. After Sasuke's second round of this, it was finally Wonder Uchiha's turn.

"Wonder Uchiha, be careful. Keep your wrist straight, and you'll be as good as-"

"I know how to bowl, Heisuke." Wonder Uchiha sighed, picking up her ball and standing at the designated place next to the ball dispenser thing. Her apron fluttered in the nonexistent wind as a nonexistent tumbleweed blew by. One step, two, three, and… the ball darted down the lane in a nice arc, curving just in time to get… a strike.

"Go 'Kaasan‼" Piped Plankton, who was magically unscathed from the whole bowling-and-rolling-down-the-isle incident.

"Zomfgdidyoujuststrike!" The Uchiha father's over-inflated ego was melting.

"…Go mother?" Itachi droned yet again, because everyone else was saying something.

A few more rounds into the game, and…

"Sasuke, we're sick and tired of your terrible bowling! Go get us snacks!" The Uchiha father barked.

"Okay, 'Toutosan." He was handed a small sum of money and shoved in the direction of the concession stand. He bought as much as he could, enough for the whole family.

"Hey Shikamaru… Popcorn doesn't walk, does it?" Chouji asked as he opened up his fourth bag of chips.

"No, it doesn't. Why?" The Nara boy didn't even feign interest.

"Because four extra-large sodas, one jumbo tub of popcorn, and a lot of candy just walked past."

"Oh. Wait, what, and _where_!"

"Gone now."

"…Weird."

And the Uchiha family happened to think the same thing.

"Hey Wonder Uchiha… Food doesn't walk, does it…?"

"No, I don't believe it does." Itachi stared at his befuddled parents in amusement at their stupidity. Poor, poor things.

"That's Sasuke." He stated as the little Uchiha climbed onto a chair and put everything on the table. The not-even-there silence was broken by a loud crash, and seven men in matching black cloaks walking in.

"I _told_ you if you messed with my religion spells it'd create a time warp and launch us into the past…" One Draco-Malfoy look-alike said. His odd looking partner, currently black and white due to his manga-only appearance, was shaking his head with an oncoming headache. Another, shark-like one with a large sword on his back leaped forward from the rest and pointed.

"Hey look Itachi-san, its Itachi-kun!" Nineteen-year-old Itachi stepped forward, looking at his family from the past… of which he merrily slaughtered.

"Hey Zetsu-san, am I in yet?" An annoying innocent boy asked a walking plant-man. The plant-man responded with a muffled,

"Mmmff."

"Danna, look! Pretty, pretty, I wanna' do that, un!" a blonde haired girl- I mean boy- said, hopping up and down on the back of a nearby human puppet. So the group of nine started playing a game of bowling. Weasel-boy was watching them... _and_ their cloaks. He walked over, tugging on a nearby person's cloak.

"Can I get one of those shmawesome cloaks?"

"Sure, you get that when you join, un."

"I wanna' join."

"Sure. But… you need to be evil, un."

"Oh drat I wanted to be a perfect little angel for all my life, you know."

"…We get free donuts and coffee, un!"

"Screw innocent, I'm evil! Evil evil evil evil evil…" The eldest Uchiha boy rambled on. Eventually, through thick and thin, time machine cloud-men, and walking popcorn, the game was finished… after three rounds. The scores were as follows:

Super Uchiha- 12

Weasel Lad- 270

Plankton- 259

Wonder Uchiha- 299

…Let's just say Super Uchiha wasn't very happy that night.

-#cgvjdgfjdgakjdgjalufgkjdhfgk#-

THE TRUTH IS OUT! Itachi signed up for Akatsuki because of the donuts and coffee!

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Super Uchiha is as bad as me! Yay Super Uchiha!

TBC… or not. Why continue something if it's not liked? R/R‼


	2. Uchihas go DDR PART 1

"What's a Dee-Dee-Are?" The littlest Uchiha asked, pulling on his nin-sandals. His father proudly responded,

"A sport manlier than bowling." Itachi rolled his eyes at his father, making sure his own nin-sandals were a snug-fit. The Uchiha-Papa's shoulders shook with laughter as Sasuke fawned over his father's comment. The two Uchiha men (and Sasuke) had sent Uchiha-mama to reserve the best machine, and she was supposedly waiting for them, so they hurried to find her. Of course, with Uchiha-Papa, even finding the DDR machines is an adventure in itself.

"AUGH!" The Uchiha Papa threw up his hands in distress. "WHERE'RE THE DDRS!"

"Well, if you'd've listened to me and turned into the DDR room back at the entrance…" Itachi started, motioning to the DDR room. He was promptly cut off by his father.

"Nonsense! I would've realized that the DDR machines were in the DDR room because I'm smarter than you." This earned an Itachi eye-roll and a mumbled,

"Just ask an employee or something…"

"NEVER! An Uchiha never relies on someone else. C'mon, Sasuke, I have an idea!"

And Sasuke was oh-so-willing to do anything for his Otousan. Itachi merely mumble-grunted something and walked to the DDR room by himself, leaving the hopeless Uchiha father and his plan of doom all alone to cause havoc.

And he did just that.

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"C'mon, Sasuke!" The Uchiha father said, holding one end of a leash. And on the other end…

"Hai, 'Tousan!" Said a dog-collar-wearing Sasuke, crawling around on all fours. The 'brilliant idea' turned out to be pretending Sasuke was a bloodhound. Poor, poor Sasuke.

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By the time the two less-intelligent Uchihas found the DDR room, the more-intelligent Uchihas were playing laser-tag. Why; no one knows.

-#HTEHRGY#$YUHRGN DFGEWT#-

THE TRUTH IS OUT! Sasuke is a low-cost rental bloodhound.

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Erm… Yeah… TBC I suppose. Sorry for the lousy chapter, school started, and I haven't been so good with the imagination department. Not like anyone cares…

-only has 5 reviewers… that count-


	3. Pt I of the Intermission Saga

Sorry I'm taking so long. Currently my body is committing suicide to itself and, though I want to, my brain doesn't want to function. I have half of Part II typed up, but… -trails off-

INTERMISSION: A totally unrelated side story between chapters marked with Roman Numerals

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L bit his thumb, contemplating. He looked at the evidence, then to the thick-browed and no-browed boys in front of him.

"I have concluded, Gaara, that your lack of eyebrows is because… **_Lee stole them!_**"

"Ah-hah! I knew it…" Gaara stood, pointing an accusing finger at Lee. Lee's eyes widened, growing watery and reflective with tears. Now _how_ could _anyone_ resist that poor, circular-eyed face? They both walked out of L's office.

L finally wrenched his thumb from his mouth and decided to turn in for the day. Kira could wait for tomorrow, too. He closed up his private eye office, walking barefoot down the vacant street.

MEANWHILE…!

On that same street, Gekkou Hayate stood. He stood ever so still. He stood. Yes, he stood there. What a lovely stander he was, too. He shuffled slightly, remaining standing. He cleared his throat, standing. He stood and looked around briefly. He stood. He was standing.

AND THEN-!

Mai-ia-hii!  
Mai-ia-huu!

The Numa Numa Yei started playing, and the previously-standing-man began to dance wildly!

DANCE DANCE DANCE, BABY!

Suddenly, the music stopped, and he went into a fit of coughing. He was slowly reduced to his knees, coughing madly, until he finally toppled over with x's in place of his eyes.

And it just so happened a certain crazy genius was walking down the street at that time.

MEANWHILE…!

L stared at Hayate's dead, x-eyed carcass, nudging it with his bare toe.

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The intermission is soon to be continued, as well the story…

NOTE: The Intermission is actually my skit, just typed script-gone-story. I'd like your comments on if you think my skit is good (we're entering it into a contest at the next Anime Convention my group goes to).

Keep in mind this is only a fraction of the skit.


	4. Uchihas Go DDR PART 2

Lee: I got ONE reviewer. ONE. Thanks a lot guys, I'm just _so_ loved.

Uber Smexy Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my rabid imagination.

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By the time wonder Momma (I know her name!) and Itachi finally stopped their intense game of laser tag and met up with _Fugaku_ (Uchiha-Papa's name, generously told by xpakux) and Sasuke, they were totally exhausted. (-waves his hand limp-wrist-like- Like, _totally_, gawd.)

"And where were _you_ two?" Uchiha Papa demanded. Itachi and Uchiha Mama stood, panting. They didn't even bother to reply. Sasuke mobbed his brother immediately.

"Niisan! Niisan! Teach me how to Dee-Dee-Are!" The acronym was foreign to his tiny, innocent mouth, so it was spoken oddly. Itachi batted away his little annoyance, hoping for some rest, but…

"NO!" Papa rumbled. "ITACHI VERSUS ME! I am his equal match." Itachi greeted this with his teenage-girl-like eye-roll, right before his father forced him onto the machine. Sasuke eagerly shoved all 100 tokens inside the machine… ensuring they'd be there a _long_ time. Papa immediately selected himself on heavy, commenting, "Real men don't need beginner," and selecting Itachi on light. The first song was selected: Captain Jack.

The flashing arrows scrolled up the page faster than even Sharingan-clad men could follow. Fugaku floundered, while Itachi got an A with all but one perfect. (That was when he had to kick Sasuke off him for clinging.) Papa, meanwhile…

"WHAT! THAT MACHINE WAS RIGGED, I TELLYOU!" He pointed to the flashing F onscreen, furious. Not _just_ furious; so furious not even Sasuke's 'That was awesome, 'Tousan!'s could comfort the man.

"I'll wait in the hand-drawn wagon." He said in a wary, low voice. "This place isn't worthy enough for my superior Uchiha blood to be here." The rest of the superior-Uchiha-blood family made no remark as he walked out to their method of transportation.

Momma Uchiha carried Sasuke on next for a challenge while Itachi set up the levels. "You're both on beginner, okay?"

Momma reached over Itachi's sexy, pale shoulder (-cough cough- I did _not_ say sexy. It was a figment of your imagination.) and pressed one of the arrow keys. "Itachi, I'm not beginner, I'm Standard."

They began to dance, in Momma's case, and in Sasuke's, they began to gracelessly flounder, fall, and trip. (Let's just say they ended up giving up their game to a guy named Mark who could do Heavy on Double-Pad –true story!-)

After their failure game was done, it was Itachi versus Momma. An imaginary tumbleweed passed by with a minor remark from Itachi consisting of, "Where do those blasted things come from?"

They both selected Heavy, and the game began. First song: Waka Laka. They both got A's, perfect scores, and exchanged narrowed-eyed leers. Second song: Captain Jack. Once more, perfects, and the leers and looks and glares kept intensifying. Third song: Dream a Dream. By now, the perfects were making mother and son compete with their claws on each other's necks. They contemplated, scanning the song list, when Sasuke decided to randomly hit the select button… selecting the song: "Sakura."

"Sakura… Sounds girlie. Can't be _that_ hard…" Itachi muttered, Momma agreeing. Oh, were they wrong. The arrows sped from bottom to top, hardly allowing any time between normal-time steps, Itachi stumbling on occasion, and Momma loosing her balance here and there. They were soaked with sweat by the time they had finished the song, and they were even more mortified when they saw their scores… a pair of B's.

They both sobbed, clinging to each other, as they walked out to meet Fugaku.

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THE TRUTH IS OUT‼

Never trust **_anything_** named Sakura. Cute but Deadly.

Lee: ONE. I think I'm going to cry in a corner if I don't get at least two.


End file.
